The real Zombie!

So, after seeing my fellow zombies being ridiculed and changed to the point of the absurd, I've decided on taking my time off the human brain-munching to teach you live things what us zombies really are.

First of all: we don't like you. The living. (except the flesh, of course) Your opinions are worthless, and totally beside the point.

We zombies are blessed in the sense that we've gotten rid of the disease called "life". i.e. we are dead. You might say "oh, but life is a blessing" and all that, but as a zombie, I can say its not. Ofcourse, as a zombie, all the physiological attributes that follow this particular case applies to us, just as it does to you. Except that we cannot "die" by conventional methods. (unless you count being shot in the head and decapitated conventional)

We're stiff. We're slow. We smell bad. Don't flatter yourselves, you smell bad too. We don't talk much, but occasionally our lungs move a bit when we lurch toward our next feast, and sometimes when this happens, some air might escape. For you live people I would guess it's like an unexpected fart during a run or a jacuzzi-bath or something. We don't communicate with each other. Since we are dead, we don't have the need for it; we all know what we are supposed to do. But mainly the sounds we emit are mostly groans and moans. I find that sexy, don't you?

Anyways. When it comes to the physical aspects of the zombie, there have been some disturbing new turns to this. One of them is that zombies can run. This is totally illogical. How can any dead body be able to move at a great speed at all? the muscles are deteriorating, we got no bloodflow, and our coordination is like a drunken sheep on a teacup-ride. Funny until it hits you in the face.

Some people seem to think that being undead grants great strength. Again, this is absolutely false, and is not supported by any logical or rational thought. Dead bodies are rotting, muscles are decomposing. No muscles = no strength.

We don't have a memory either. All we know is food when we see it. We don't remember our loved ones, or if we ate only veggies when we lived, or stuff like that. We just don't remember. The only brain activity we got is that of extremely basic motoric skills (lunging, lurching, dragging, clawing, biting) and our primary instinct: Feeding.

Now that I've told you how silly you are, I will proceed to tell you why we are in fact the most horrific creature in existence:

We never EVER get tired. We don't stop until our head falls off, or we rot to pieces. You squishy people with all your dna all over the place, you need to sleep, rest, eat and drink. You also can't stand high or low temperatures, as this affects you greatly. once we've started following you, we're not stopping. Ever.

The second reason for why zombies are such a menace towards live ones, is because the live ones are stupid when confronted with dead people that they previously knew. You live ones just cannot accept the fact that when people are dead, they are no longer the same people. Thus, you try to talk to us, and stop us, either convincing us, or more likely trying to convince yourselves that this is not happening. This is the perfect opportunity for us to strike.

What is easier to kill than paralyzed food? I mean live people. And because this happens a lot, and you people NEVER learn (so much for your so-called cognitive skill) we do this over and over and over. The result is that in the end, zombies will always outnumber live people.

Then there are all the methods of getting rid of a zombie. We're not like vampires or werewolves or ghosts or any of that silly stuff. We don't have a supernatural weakness like garlic, silver, holy water or the noises that come out from some of you live ones. Our weakness is simple, and yet you fail to use it against us.

PS: I saw this one movie where there were zombies that ran ON THE CEILING! And I dont mean on top of it. They ran on the ceiling inside a building, i.e. hanging from the roof.

Since when do we posses the power of anti-gravitation? is gravitation something that only affects the living? Don't be silly. We're dead and we know better. You should be ashamed.

And now I bid you "uuuuuuururrgghghghhhhh......" as I crawl off to eat the legs of the next person I see.